Sympathy Period

I’ve heard that when 2 or more women live together, it is common for their cycles to synchronize. I’m sure that there is some scientific explanation having to do with the earth’s gravitational pull, the moon or that people are made up of energy and if they live together, they start to vibrate on the same wavelength. Whatever the explanation, I can sort of wrap my head around the concept, but what I don’t understand is why I am menstruating now that my roommate is a girl.

Let me be clear that no part of my body is bleeding and I do not have a uterus. I do however notice that my moods change in similar ways to my roommate and we both get more depressed around the same time (usually right around when she’s getting her period). Why do I know when she’s getting her period you ask? Well about once a month the Ferrero Rocher’s I got 4 Hanukkah’s ago mysteriously disappear.

I guess this phenomenon is kind of like when men have sympathy pains while their wives are in childbirth, so I guess the best way to describe my otherwise unexplainable mood swings is that it is my sympathy period. It seems like we get in a funk about our relationships (or sometimes lack thereof) around the same time. It’s actually not that bad because at least I don’t feel like I’m alone, I have someone to talk to about it, and lucky for me I don’t have to deal with cramps or breast tenderness.

SO HOW WAS LAST NIGHT? We watched “Cougar Town” and ate a pound of chocolate.

The Forbidden Fruit

I went out on a “date” with 2 of my best friends a few days ago. They are a married couple with a baby, so this night out had been planned for weeks. We went to dinner, then to see an old friend play a concert at a local rock venue. Both dinner and the concert were great, and at the concert I met a girl.

I excused myself to go to the restroom (just a #1), and as is typical, there was a line for the women’s room but no line for the men. I went to open the door, and as I did so, a girl on the women’s line said “there’s someone in there.” I’m not sure if this didn’t register or if I was ignoring her but I confidently pushed the door open, and sure enough it was a small 1-stall bathroom and there was a guy there making some yellow. I immediately turned around and walked out to form a men’s line and as I walked out I apologized to the girl who had warned me. No sooner than the words “I’m sorry” came out of my mouth did I realize how ridiculous it was to apologize to the girl and not the guy at the toilet that I just walked in on. I made some kind of witty comment along the same lines to the girl, we shared a laugh and parted ways to take care of our own business in each respective water closet.

A few minutes later the show started and really tall guy stood in front of me, so I went to scope out a better place to stand. As I did some recon, I bumped right into bathroom girl and she shot me a big smile. I started talking to her and asked where she was from (she had an accent but it was hard to distinguish in the loud room). It turns out she grew up in Germany, but also lived in Spain and moved to LA about a year ago. Her English was perfect and for someone who only learned the language 8 years ago she really got my sarcasm, which is often lost on foreigners.

We talked through most of the concert (I thought she was very cute) and eventually I got her number. She mentioned that she was bad with names (which made me realize she forgot mine) so I sent her a text with my name, and a lot of funny references from our conversation all packed into 160 characters.

I will say that I did feel like I was doing something wrong or dangerous in a weird way by not telling her that I was Jewish (I guess even though I was born in 1980, I’m not over the whole WWII thing).

SO HOW WAS LAST NIGHT? After 65 years, I finally received reparations for my people.

Picasso

When Pablo Picasso started painting, he went through different periods. He had his blue period and rose period before finally moving on to the style we all know him for, cubism. I think I’m going through a similar phase in my dating life. When I first started writing this blog, I had just broken up with a girl who was a brunette, and most of the girls I have dated since then were also brunettes. Well, this week I think I have officially moved on to my blonde period. I had 3 dates, with 3 blonde girls, all of whom I was very attracted to.

The first girl had very short blonde hair, was cute and kind of hipstery. We had drinks and it was fun. We work in the same business so that gave us something to talk about. Overall, I’d give the date a B-. I’ll may go out with her again, unless I meet someone I really click with.

The second girl had long, wavy, magazine hair and was very hot. I did find out that some of that hair was not hers but extensions. We had a great time, but she is a high maintenance kind of chick, and we met at a bar, so I’m not sure I want to date someone like that, but she is hot enough to keep me open minded. I’d give it a solid B.

The third girl was cute, funny, quirky and interesting. We had a pretty good date and we actually got to know each other through meaningful conversation. Overall, I give this one a B+, and I’ll give her a call in a few days.

SO HOW WAS LAST NIGHT? It was a pretty good week, but I’m keeping my options open, as there are more dates to be had. I guess I’m still considering the greater Los Angeles area to be like my blank dating canvas.

Is this a date?

I met a girl at a party and we got along great. She is a friend of a friend and we flirted, joked around and laughed the whole night. She came to the party with another friend of hers and after a while her friend wanted to leave. She asked to see my phone and put her number in it.

I thought this was a great sign and my hard work that night had paid off. I called her a few days later and left her a message. She texted me back, and eventually I asked her to dinner. Well, when I told my mutual friend about her, I was told that this girl had a boyfriend. That’s weird to me because I don’t think a girl with a boyfriend would or should be putting her number (unprovoked mind you) into a guy’s phone.

Well, I decided I would go to dinner and try to figure it out. We showed up and I tried to make some subtle references to make it sound like we were on a date. I thought she did the same, but then when we ordered wine I said “cheers” and she said something weird like “to new friends,” but then immediately thought that was a weird thing to say and we laughed about it, but now I was again unsure what the dynamic was. Dinner continued, and we did have a really nice time and I did like her a lot. She went to use the restroom, and I tried to pay the bill before she got back. She must have only gone #1 because she got back before I could sign the bill. She thanked me and thought it was sweet that I did that.

We talked a little more, and eventually (in what seemed like an appropriate time) I in a cute but awkwardly charming way said something like "Can I be awkward for a second, but then we can move past it and enjoy our desert?” She laughed and agreed, so I continued “Well I have to say that I’m not sure if this is a date or not because I thought it was, but then (Insert name here) told me you had a boyfriend, so I wasn’t sure." She said that she did not have a boyfriend but that happened recently. I thought that was good, and at another point she said something like "I'm
sure we will get to that on another dinner date."

We did not kiss goodnight or anything but she said she had fun and we said we should hang out again. Later that night she texted me saying "Thank you so much again for a wonderful evening!" I responded, "It was my pleasure. I had a great time and would love to see you again
(texting while driving is what I'm doing and its dangerous)."

She didn't respond.

SO HOW WAS LAST NIGHT? I think it was a date, so I called her today. I guess now I’ll wait to see if she calls me back.

Rebound

Mentally, I felt completely emasculated after hanging out with “no sex girl.” I don’t think she ever saw me as a sexual being and I felt like I might as well have not had a penis when I was around her. I never felt like that before, and was afraid of getting pulled down into a funk, so I realized I needed to do something drastic.

A few days after the "non-breakup breakup," I went out with a new girl. I had met her while I was dating "no sex girl" but since I had already felt like that wasn't going to work out, I got her number anyway. She was cute and nice, but I didn't see her as someone I was going to get into a relationship with. We had a good enough time though and I made a move.

SO HOW WAS LAST NIGHT: I was kind of like Shaquille O’Neal -- I went for the rebound and it turned into a slam dunk. Just don’t ask me to shoot free throws.

The non-breakup breakup

Things are officially over, but I’ll start at the beginning. “No sex girl” and I didn’t really talk much for the second half of her trip but when she returned to Los Angeles we made plans to go out last night. We went to a seafood place that makes one of my favorite dishes that I cooked for her once on our 4th or 5th date. To be honest, I tried to go into this date with no expectations. Having not seen her for a while, I was starting to mentally move on. My hope was that I would either have no feelings for her, or time would have eased the tension and we’d be able to have a fresh start.

Unfortunately that is not really how it went. We went to the restaurant and as usual had an amazing time together. We laughed, talked about very personal things and thoroughly enjoyed each others company. After dinner I was feeling good about everything, we walked to my car and I kissed her. Immediately I felt the same weirdness that we’ve had since we met. I’m honestly not sure if it is a lack of chemistry for both of us, or if it is more for her and then I can feel her lack of interest. Either way it didn’t feel right.

I drove her home and thought that would be it, but somehow I wound up going up to her apartment. For a minute I thought maybe we would finally throw everything out the window and try to simply enjoy each other. Turns out I was brought upstairs to hear these words, “So should we talk?” It was clear this was the end, and we actually had a nice talk. I’ve never laughed so much during a breakup. We both acknowledged how much we liked each other, and neither of us was sure if it was a simple lack of chemistry, or if we just waited too long to have sex, but either way we both felt way too much pressure and the whole thing didn’t make sense.

It really was the stupidest thing ever. We were breaking up, but from what? We weren’t in a relationship, we weren’t even really friends – we were simply two people who were getting to know each other but realized we weren’t meant to be.

Our mental connection is undeniable and I think we could have been friends if we met under different circumstances but at this point a friendship kind of seems like a waste of more time.


SO HOW WAS LAST NIGHT? I guess I didn’t have better luck after the chopstick incident with this girl. The next time something goes wrong in an Asian restaurant I’m taking it as an omen and getting the hell out of there.

More Confused

Still no solution, but the girl went out of town for a few days. We spoke before she left and it seemed like she was feeling better about things since we talked. She texted and called me a few times and I was starting to feel good about everything. I was actually happy that she is out of town, and figured a week and a half away can help things and hopefully when she gets back some of the pressure will be off.

I went to yoga this morning and sent her a text. She didn’t respond for hours, which was fine, and then eventually said she would call me later on. She did, and I felt like her energy was weird, and the call was not great. Maybe I’m so in my head at this point that I’m over thinking everything, but I don’t know why this has to be so difficult. I just want to keep hanging out with a girl that I like and have fun. Is that too much to ask?

SO HOW WAS LAST NIGHT? Well, it is actually still tonight and I’m in a funk.

Confused

After several dates we have hit a sexual roadblock (I am going to start calling this girl “no sex girl”). You see we’ve been out a bunch of times over the last few weeks, but every time I try to take things to the next level it just doesn’t happen for one reason or another. Last night we actually talked about it and I guess there seems to be a lack of chemistry or maybe we are each just used to different things/have different styles and vibrate on different wavelengths. It is really frustrating whatever it is and we are not sure how to fix it or if it even is fixable. I want to make it clear that I adore “no sex girl.” Mentally we really like each other, have a great time together, laugh a lot, and I am attracted to her physically, but I think she thinks of me as a friend now.

I am all too aware of the physical lack of compatibility but the thought of losing someone I actually like is upsetting. Is this something that can be worked on? We did discuss it for a while last night but we couldn’t come up with a solution. To make matters worse, it turns out that she was allergic to my feather bed and basically had an asthma attack all night. It seems like the negatives keep piling up against me.

It has been hard to find a girl that I connect with in this town, and now that I have, there is a huge dynamic missing. I once dated a girl who I really liked but the sexual chemistry was missing for me. I tried to see if I could learn to be more into her, but eventually things fizzled out. Have the tables now turned?

SO HOW WAS LAST NIGHT? It was full of sexual tension…but not the good kind.

Date 2 & 3

So I went on 2 more dates with the girl from the “Chopstick Incident.” Date 2 was another nice dinner with good conversation. I paid for dinner again and she asked if she could take me out for a drink. I agreed and she took me to a wine bar. We had a really good time as we sat next to each other on a bench drinking wine.

A few days later I called her and she asked if I felt like getting dinner so we went out for an impromptu meal. She asked where I wanted to go, but I was on her side of town so deferred to her knowledge of the west side. I had one disclaimer that I was wearing jeans and a t shirt, so it probably shouldn’t be too nice of a place. She said she hadn’t even showered that day. She picked a perfect place and unshowered and all she couldn’t have looked cuter. We had a great time and called it an early night.

SO HOW WAS LAST NIGHT? We’re off to a nice but slow start…

Texting 123

I got a text message from a number I didn’t recognize last night that said, “They shut them down! Thanks to Fisher. Lakers will send Boston packing.” “Who is this?” I replied. “Lisa from Tony’s Restaurant.” Well I don’t know a Lisa from Tony’s Restaurant, so I said, “I think you have the wrong number but Fisher was amazing and it’s nice to meet a fellow Lakers fan.”

We actually texted a bit more and we both found humor in the situation.

SO HOW WAS LAST NIGHT? It was an unexpected opportunity. I’ll text her after the next Lakers game and see if she finds it funny. If so, maybe I’ll get a date out of it. (We live in LA, so if she’s a waitress, it is likely that she is trying to be an actress and could be cute).



***Follow up - I texted her after the Lakers loss last night. She then called me and still thought I was whoever she thought I was in the first place and didn't really see the humor in starting a dialogue with a stranger.

Trouble with Chopsticks

I went on a date this week with a girl who also works in the entertainment industry. We met for coffee and after a while she suggested we grab dinner (Good sign right away). I’m trying to be healthy so I suggested sushi.

The restaurant was nice, we had sake and a delicious meal. I was attracted to her and we had a pretty good conversation. At one point we ordered a sushi dish with crispy rice but each bite was way too big to fit in our mouths. She elegantly cut hers in half with her chopsticks and I tried to do the same, but I think my rice must have been a little crispier so as I tried to cut it, my chopsticks broke in half and fish went flying. Luckily I only got food on myself and I was able to laugh it off. The truth is that this was my second dating incident involving chopsticks, the first of which happened on my first date…

I was in 7th grade and I went out for Chinese food with the first girl that ever liked me. We shared a poo poo platter (in hindsight, that may not have been the best date food, but I was clueless). I wanted to show her how funny I was so I decided to go with the classic chopstick walrus. If you are not familiar with this bit of comedy, I put chopsticks in my mouth as if they were tusks then clapped my hands and made “arf arf” walrus noises. Lets just say out of the two of us, I was the only one who thought it was funny. The rest of the date was pretty awkward and I was left terrified of girls and dating.

SO HOW WAS LAST NIGHT? It took me years to lose my virginity after the walrus incident…hopefully I’ll have better luck this time

Bait and Switch

I recently adjusted my diet. I found out that I had high cholesterol even though I don’t eat meat. My brother is the most health conscious person I know, so I called him for advice and he told me to stop eating wheat, dairy, alcohol, refined sugar and salt. I know this sounds like a lot of things to cut out but I did it. I now eat mostly fruit, vegetables and fish.

I haven’t really had a problem sticking to the diet in my normal life, but it is proving to be an issue in my dating life. What girl would want to date a guy with this many food restrictions? I certainly don’t think they would want to hear a dude talk about them so I have decided to adjust my brother's diet to not include dates – when I’m with a girl all food is fair game.

That being said, I am trying to choose restaurants that have healthy food options – fish, veggies etc., but last night at dinner I had a dilemma. I knew going in that I wanted to order the sea bass. When we sat down, the lovely lady I had the pleasure of dining with wanted to share a few dishes, one of which was a pizza. I thought it was a good sign that she wanted to share a few plates so I gave in and ate the delicious goat cheese and truffle oil pie.

I called my brother today and told him that I thought he would be mad at me because I ate pizza last night. He said it was ok if I needed to eat the wrong foods once in a while for my mental health. I explained that I didn’t really need to eat it but I didn’t want the girl I like to think I was a manorexic pansy.

I realize that I’m not being completely honest if I don’t tell the girl about my diet, but I hope I’m charming enough that I’ll be able to woo the right girl before I break the news and pull off the old bait and switch.

SO HOW WAS LAST NIGHT? In addition to the pizza, I also drank a lot of wine. From now on my diet goes out the window if I’m out with a girl I like. But if I decide I don’t like her, I’m going to spend the whole evening talking about how healthy I am and how wheat makes you fat.

A 3rd date was scheduled

Well, I called the girl again and we spoke for 45 minutes. At one point I said “I have a question for you.” “OK” she replied… “Do you want to go out again?” She said yes and we scheduled a date for Friday.

Friday afternoon I texted her to see if she would be cool with a vegetarian restaurant (I am kind of on a health kick). She said she was up for something healthy, but not sure about a veggie place. I get that, so I said I would figure out a plan b. I did and was all ready to go. I called her to see what time I should pick her up, but she didn’t answer. I then got a text message about 45 minutes later “I’m so sorry. Please don’t hate me but I have to cancel tonight ☹ I was feeling sick and hoping it would be better but is only getting worse.”

I responded by saying “OK. Well I hope you feel better. (I did come up with a perfect plan b though). Let me know if you need anything.”

This is now the third time she canceled on me, and we have only successfully been out twice. This doesn’t work for me, and there’s no way I’m calling her again.

SO HOW WAS LAST NIGHT? 3 strikes and you’re out

Play it cool

For the second time I had a tentative plans to go out on a 3rd date with this girl and she canceled. I don’t want to write a script in my head for what is going on, but even though she said she had to work late tonight, the last text message back and forth was her saying she wasn’t sure what time she would get out, and I asked her to keep me posted. Well, I wasn’t kept posted and I never heard from her.

Obviously I have no way of knowing what is going on, but I do know that we had 2 very good dates, and then there is some distance in between dates. When I act that way it is usually because I’m going out with multiple people and I may like someone more, so I’ll plan tentative dates with the #2 girl and then cancel if #1 winds up being free. Then I reschedule #2 for another day. I don’t think I should do that anymore. Being #2 is not fun if you like the person.

I don’t know what I should do – on the one hand, there’s no rule against dating more than one person at this early of a stage and it isn’t something I can say to her because then I’ll come off as crazy. I think that the ball is now in her court, so I definitely won’t call her for at least 4 days. Then if I haven’t heard from her I’ll make one last attempt in case she is interested but just happens to be the kind of girl that likes to be pursued and/or fucked with. Honestly if that is the case, it might be a red flag anyway, but I’ve got nothing to lose.

I should play it cool and see what happens naturally I guess, but I don’t like it.


SO HOW WAS LAST NIGHT? I waited 3 days to call her and then she called me back the next day and was very talkative on the phone and it seemed like everything was normal. I’m more confused now than ever. Is this just a game? Maybe this is karma for having this website.

Lost

The girl I’d gone out with a few times was busy this week so I went out on Tuesday with a new one. I met her at an event and talked to her for a while. It was clear to me that she was interested but I was indifferent so I didn’t make a move. It figures that when I don’t really care it makes the girl like me more (I wish I could fake that attitude with girls I’m actually interested in).

Anyway, she wound up tracking me down on a popular social networking site so eventually I gave in and met her for drinks. We finished our second drink around 10pm and I suggested we call it an evening. We went outside and to my surprise she started making out with me in the middle of the street. It was cool, but I was tired and ready to leave. I tried to make a move to go, but she just stood there. I wasn’t sure what to do, so I asked if she wanted to come over to my place for a drink. There was an awkward pause and before she answered I continued, “or we can just go home…it is a Tuesday after all.”

She said it was a hard choice, and she wasn’t good at making decisions. Now, I knew that she wanted me to tell her to come over so she didn’t feel like the aggressor (or a slut), but as I mentioned, it was Tuesday and LOST was on, so instead I responded with the following: “It’s an easy decision, either you come over or you go home.” “Do you even care?” she replied. “Not really,” I said, “if you come over it’ll be fun, or you can go home and maybe I’ll invite you over another night.” There was another pause as I don’t think this was the answer she was expecting from me, and at this point I realized that I had to make a decision between having sex or watching a TV show.

I took her pause as an opportunity to make the decision for her.

SO HOW WAS LAST NIGHT? I can’t believe Sun and Jin drowned. (Don’t judge me, LOST is not just any TV show and if she came over I’d most likely hear what happened before I got a chance to watch it).

Second Date

After our date on last week, I got a nice “I had a great time. Thanks!” text, which turned into an hour of texting that night. Seemed like a good sign to me. Eventually it was time for bed and I told her I’d call her the next day. Our weeks were both busy and we tried to get together on Tuesday night, but she had to cancel. We finally had our second date on Friday night.

Once again we went for dinner, had great conversation and eventually realized we should leave because the restaurant started to clear out. We kept the night going with a glass of wine at a bar. The wine was mediocre but the company was great. Conversation was easy and it was only a second date but I had another great time. If you know me or if you’ve been reading this blog you’d know that I don’t usually want to go on a second let alone third date with most girls, but a third date is all I’ve been able to think about with this one.

I’m sorry there’s not a funny story from this date, for me a good date beats a funny one any day.

SO HOW WAS LAST NIGHT? We kissed and I told her I thought we were 2 for 2.

Pupcakes

Last week I went out with some work friends to a bar. I got there 35 minutes late, but it was a Hollywood night, so I was the first one there. Two girls came in and I was immediately drawn to one of them. I started chatting them up and when my friends came in I strategically got out of the conversation and hung out with my friends for 20 minutes or so. When it was time to get another round of drinks I went back by them to place the order. One of my friends came with me and he chatted up the friend while vernacular gold effortlessly flowed from my lips. Then another friend came over and was pretty much the best wingman you could ask for. It went well and I got her number.

I decided to call her on Thursday. I had a feeling that I would get her voicemail and rehearsed my message a few times before I called. You see, I’m a pretty good talker but there’s something about leaving voicemails that rattle me. I didn’t want to say too much, but wanted to make sure the message had enough context to ensure she remembered me. I figured that if I was calling her it was obvious that I wanted to go out with her, but should I say that on the message or play it cool? I decided I was going to say it was great meeting her and I’d love to grab dinner sometime, and even though it would be a message I’d make sure I was smiling while talking, hoping that vibe would come through the message.

Well, as expected I got her voicemail but I had psyched myself out and froze. I left an awkward message and totally thought I blew it. I then spent the next 3 hours freaking out, but then she called me back. I played it cool and let it go to voicemail, but called her an hour later. We finally connected on Friday, had a great hour-long conversation and made a date for Sunday.

On the phone she mentioned that she had a dog and just fed her the last “pupcake” (cupcakes for dogs). I took note of this and on my way to pick her up I picked up a dozen. I also took an antacid in the car as preventative medicine. I had butterflies going out with her, wanted to make sure my stomach was settled, and didn’t want to have any indigestion while we were out (as I may have mentioned before I am Jewish). We went to dinner and had a great time. It was a really nice first date, I like her and I think we will go out again this week. It’s nice to like someone.

SO HOW WAS LAST NIGHT? The pupcakes won her dog over, and I didn’t fart.

Yoga Girl

I recently went on a few dates with a yoga teacher. Not my yoga teacher, but a different one (strangely, I felt like I was cheating on my yoga teacher even though she’s just my teacher and not someone I’ve dated). Anyway, the first 3 dates went well, we seemed to have good chemistry, had drinks, dinner etc. and things were progressing nicely. On date 4 we went to a yoga class together and this is where everything went wrong for me.

You see, I’ve been doing yoga on and off for about 2 years, and definitely have a long way to progress in my practice but when we went to class, yoga girl (who is a trained yoga teacher) wasn’t that much better than me. I was like really? She should be doing crazy poses that I can’t understand or pronounce, yet she needed to use a wall to do a headstand. Even I can do a headstand in the middle of the room! This was a huge turn off for me considering yoga was the main thing she talked about, and now I've seen that she's only in the minor leagues.

Maybe I’m picky, but I wouldn’t tell a girl that I was a baseball coach just because I supervised run down drills for my brother’s little league team.

SO HOW WAS LAST NIGHT? I didn’t like her downward doggie style

The Instant Message

OK – Dating websites are officially awful. Some girl IM'd me last night. We never met, we’ve never spoken before. The conversation started off normal, then I told her some funny story. She replied by saying the following things verbatim (a little long but DEFINITELY worth the read):

GIRL: That’s a funny story. If I was feeling competitive I’d top your story though
ME: haha. I dont know -- I'm a pretty good story teller
GIRL: as am i...as am i. plus i bet im a bigger dork its sad
ME: why are you a big dork?
GIRL: the question should be why aren't i. im just one of those people
ME: one of what people? And dont say dorks
GIRL: born a dork...the first 13 years of my life i was popular, talented, smart, little miss perfect
GIRL: ive fallen from grace but im one of those people you meet and you think im all together but i have no shame and im just a goober. im also put together but i have "multiple" personalities
ME: do you talk to your self?
GIRL: i like to think of it in a chameleon way. i have many facets...and some shine stronger when i'm in different situations. i really only curse at myself
GIRL: or at someone on the internet pissing me off
ME: haha -- gotcha. so far I don’t think any of those things make you a dork
GIRL: talking to yourself makes you crazy not a dork lol
GIRL: i just love dorky things, i just act, i just am, i just embody the dorkocity
ME: you said you had multiple personalities
GIRL: nooooooooo its like multiple personalities but not scary. its one personality chopped into sections and depending where i am or who im with those sections are activated
GIRL: btw, i was a classically trained theatre actor if that makes this make more sense
GIRL: sometimes people just go "ahhhhhhhhh yes."
ME: yes, makes perfect sense -- crazy
GIRL: nah im a little crazy but in the very best way. the most down to earth crazy person you'll ever meet
ME: everyone is a little crazy
ME: so… did you grow up in LA?
GIRL: born and raised. what about you?
ME: New York
ME: did you go to college?
GIRL: lol ya
ME: why is that funny? where?
GIRL: i should've graduated from ucla in june, but ive taken off the last year and a half. my mom was sick
ME: gotcha. sorry to hear that
GIRL: and she ran my fathers medical private practice so i took over and then she died and ive done nothing since then
ME: thats horrible. i'm sorry
GIRL: thanks. ya its like having your soul ripped out and squished and then fed to sharks - almost a year
ME: i can't imagine.
ME: are you close with your dad
GIRL: um no. he's an abusive asshole. my parents were old - hes 73, my mom died at 66
ME: oh wow. do you have older siblings?
GIRL: dad has 3 older kids from his first marriage - half
ME: gotcha
GIRL: and since my mom died they've abandoned me. they're jealous that my dad had money when he married my mom and raised me
ME: Thats awful.
GIRL: so even though they're all like 40, they cant get over it. so my father is a douche...eastern european surgeon with a god complex. i stand up to him - not afraid
ME: Wow -- so now what are you doing/where are you living?
GIRL: at 14 we started fighting heavily at home - with the douche. we've come to blows
GIRL: literally
ME: that really sucks
GIRL: but a few months ago it was baaaaaad. i hulked out
ME: what do you mean?
GIRL: well we've been in physical fights...im strong for a girl, and even though hes old he works out everyday so hes strong, but i have better reflexes - and he was rude to one of my best friends and locked me out of the house...so we have this mosaic on our door - i punched a hole right through it and he had chained the door so it could only open half an inch but i was barefoot and so mad i kicked the door down
ME: wow
GIRL: ripped the iron deadbolt out of the door. i know i have to say, jerry springer yes, but it was really kick ass. how many people get to really break down a real door?
ME: well -- i've seen that before, but not to a parent’s house
GIRL: so he starts throwing shit at me and i smash in the windows with a watering can
ME: thats really crazy
GIRL: and he comes at me with a chair. we start throwing punches - wrestling
ME: is any of this a joke?
GIRL: nope...
ME: really?
GIRL: im really open and despite his fuckery im really normal
GIRL: swear to god
ME: yeah -- it sounds like something I'd never think would really happen
GIRL: right?? its like the movies. even some of my best friends think i must be exaggerating you know, until they see it… and well he got me in a head lock and his fist and the chair went in my eye. i couldve won but then blood started shooting out
ME: yeah -- thats pretty horrible. I don't know how a parent could do that
GIRL: ya me neither
GIRL: so i freak out right? i think im blind and theres blood everywhere. i probably have my eye hanging out so i panic, lose the fight and i start screaming for help and hes trying to drag me in the house and i think hes going to kill me, i put up a fight and he drags me by my hair through the glass into the house and finally i break down and tell him to kill me and bury me with my mother.
GIRL: then i hyperventilate and pass out and i wake up and hes doing the "doctor" thing with my eye...the next hour was spent with me pleading with him to let me go to the hospital and leave and i promised i would only tell the cops a man attacked me.

SO HOW WAS LAST NIGHT? I think we’re perfect for each other

False Advertising

I gave in and joined an online dating site. I haven’t had trouble meeting girls in the real world but I haven’t met anyone special, so I figured why not give the internet a shot and expand my pool of potential women to court.

I went out with one of these interweb girls this week. Now, I saw several pictures of this girl, and talked to her on the phone a few times to try and make sure she wasn’t crazy. I don’t know about the crazy part, but she did falsely advertise herself in her pictures.

I mean this girl was cute and skinny in her pictures. I showed up and not only was this girl not cute, but she was chubby, had bad skin, and puffy face. Puffy face you ask – well it’s like her eyes sunk into her head because of how puffy the rest of her face was. Oh and in real life, she was probably 10 years older than her pics. Thinking about it now, her pics must have been taken with actual film.

I was pissed, and wanted to get the F out of there. She started talking about how much she loved dogs, so I decide go with this bit of charming dialogue:

Her: “Do you have any animals? I have 2 dogs.”
Me: “I hate all pets.”
Her: “Even doggies?”
Me: “Yes.”
Her: “How can you hate dogs? You don’t even like golden retrievers? They’re my favorite and so nice.”
Me: “Nope. I hate golden retrievers. They’re ugly.”
Her – Just a blank stare
Me: “Well I guess I could tolerate small dogs because even though you can’t trust them, I know that if things go south I could easily kill them.”

First let me say I don’t really hate dogs, but I figured this crazy talk should have been enough to kill the mood. Well not with puffy face. She must be so lonely that she’s willing to date a potential dog murderer. Eventually I said I was tired and got out of there.

SO HOW WAS LAST NIGHT? I’ll get my advertising fix (false or otherwise) from MAD MEN

Could a friend of a friend be more than a friend?

Last night I went to dinner with a friend of a friend who just moved to town and I wound up having the best time I’ve had with a girl in a long time. The night started off with dinner at an upscale burger joint, and we both got veggie burgers – no mayo. I thought that was a pretty specific order and we were on the same page right off the bat.

We had dinner and wine, told stories about our lives and it seemed like we had so many things in common. I was genuinely interested in what she had to say. – If you don’t know me, let me explain that I’m a talker and if I’m out to dinner with someone new I’m usually doing at least 65% of the talking, but this girl could hold her own and we were pretty much 50/50. It seemed like we had similar experiences and every time she would tell a story, I felt like I have experienced the same things. If all of that wasn’t enough, we laughed the entire night. There was witty banter flying back and forth and she had a sense of humor just as dark and twisted as me – nothing was off limits.

After dinner, we went to a friend’s party for more drinks. The night just got funnier here. I think we made jokes about pubic hair for 45 minutes, and I couldn’t have thought this girl was any cooler. Finally, we ended the evening at a late night diner, and the good times kept rolling. Dinner started at 7 and I didn’t get home until 4am. I usually can’t stand being around a girl for that long, but this was different.

So what’s the problem? Well, she is seeing someone. I don’t think it is super-serious, but I’m not the kind of guy who tries to break people up for my benefit. I’ve had that done to me and I didn't think it was cool. I guess I don’t really know what their situation is, and I don’t want to ask. Also, she’s from Texas and I don’t know why, but I have a total weakness for Texan girls.

She sent me a text this morning thanking me for dinner and saying she had a great time. I said we should hang out again soon, and she replied “absolutely.” I have no idea how to play this. I finally met a girl that doesn’t seem to be crazy but there’s another guy in my way. I guess I’ll have to see how it all plays out…advice is welcomed.

SO HOW WAS LAST NIGHT? I’d like to get a first hand look at her lack of pubic hair, but I may not get a chance since it seems like I’m entering the friend zone. I think I’ll ignore her for a while.

The End of the World

This weekend, I went out with a girl who decided to open with the following conversation starter:

“So how crazy is it that the world is gonna end in 2 years” -- “Excuse me?” I replied. “Yeah, you know the Mayan calendar only goes until 2012, and there was just that movie, so like the world is probably gonna end, and I’ll only be 30 so that totally sucks.”

She was not joking, and this is when the date mentally ended for me. I realized I had 3 options – 1. Sit there and allow myself to be annoyed by this girl. 2. Stand up and walk right out the door without any explanation. 3. Entertain myself and dissect her theory. Obviously since I’m writing this blog, I chose #3.

“That’s so interesting” I replied. “I’m fascinated by Armageddon, but I’m not sure how much stock you should put in the psychic skills of Native Americans. After all, I’m pretty sure that if they could predict the end of the world, they would have been better prepared for European conquest and rape. Then again, it was probably a conscious decision by an old Indian Chief smoking peyote – “Oh no!” “What is it chief?” “I had a vision of men with skin like snow raping our women, but fuck it -- and don’t tell anyone. The world will end 500 years later anyway.”

SO HOW WAS LAST NIGHT? I wouldn’t spend the night with her if it WAS our last night on earth

Perfect on Paper

Last night I had a date with an amazing girl. She’s a lawyer, runs marathons and is gorgeous. Seems perfect right? That’s what I thought too.

We had a very nice evening. We went for drinks at a wine bar, and ate some appetizers. The date lasted a few hours and we had good conversation and a pleasant time. I can’t put my finger on anything specific, but as perfect as she seemed I just didn’t feel any real chemistry and I’m pretty sure she was on the same page.

Maybe it’s because we were set up, which made the night feel more like an interview than a date, but if there weren’t any sparks then should I even bother to go out with her again? On the other hand, should we try to go out and do something less forced, like go for a run or a hike? I’m really confused about this one. She’s perfect on paper but I don’t feel it in my gut.

SO HOW WAS LAST NIGHT? In Chemistry when you mix substances together sometimes they cause a big chemical reaction. Last night was more like mixing oil and vinegar – it’s fine to put on a salad, but it’s ultimately uninspired.

Getting Back to Business

Hi all -- sorry for my lack of posts recently. As 2009 came to a close I went on a string of bad and mediocre dates that weren't even worth writing about. I started to feel like I lost my mojo and wound up taking a short break from the dating scene. I got pretty lonely for a few weeks and for the first time in my life had moments where I was uncomfortable in my own skin. I realized that I had to fix me, for me, before I’d be able to meet someone, so I spent a lot of time working on myself. I read books, meditated and went to therapy.

I felt like I was able to open doors in my brain that had previously been locked and was now seeing the world from a higher perspective and clearly recognized a bigger picture in most situations. Basically, I felt like I began to operate at a higher frequency and I am now ready to tackle 2010 head on.

I can assure you that I will be writing more frequently and I already have a few dates lined up.

SO HOW WAS LAST NIGHT? Wayne Dwyer once said that you cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. I was alone with myself but after a period of introspection, I've become very fond of me.