Homeless Beer Girl

I was in NY for work, and on my first weekend in town a friend told me to come to his bar for drinks. I did and I met a really cute girl. We got along off the bat, and I took her number. She was a book editor, and I told her I was in town working on a movie. We exchanged numbers, I waited a few days and gave her a call. She told me that she looked me up to make sure that I wasn’t bullshitting her, and even though I hadn’t told her my last name, I guess I told her the name of someone I worked with, and she was resourceful enough to figure out who I was on IMDB. Some people may think this is a little crazy, but I liked it. A New York girl who takes care of herself, and weeds out the guys that are full of shit.

I said that since I passed her test, it was now her turn to pass mine. I explained that I hadn’t been in NY in a while, and I challenged her to find a cool, but not trendy place for me to take her to dinner that Friday.

She passed this exam with flying colors -- a great sushi place in the East Village, good drinks and witty banter (did I forget to mention she was heavy chested?). Things were going well, and I had a bit of a buzz, so we collectively decided to go grab drinks at a nearby bar. Another good choice on her part. We danced for a bit, had a few cocktails, and then I made my move. “It’s loud in here, would you like to take a walk?” She couldn’t resist and we went to Union Square and sat on the steps.

Just when my game was getting good, a homeless guy came up asking for money. I said “sorry man,” and expected him to leave us alone. No such luck. He told us a sob story about his band not touring and now he had to pan handle for rent money. He said he was Jewish and my date told him I was too. (This is strike one – lets not try to find common interests with the homeless guy). In an effort to rid myself of this guy’s odor I gave him whatever change was in my pocket – probably around 83 cents. The guy took the money, but didn’t put it in his cup. “Wait a minute” says my date, “why didn’t you put it in your cup?” “Oh, this is beer” replies the homeless man, “Want some?”

Well, my date says “sure,” takes a giant swig from the homeless guy’s cup (strike 2), and I internally freak out. The guy then tells us that he is a heroin addict, and now I am beyond grossed out (I'm a bit of a hypochondriac as it is, but this was crazy). I say its getting late and we should grab cabs. On the walk to the corner, I realize I’ll probably never talk to this girl again, so I have nothing to lose, and I say “Wow. That was crazy. I can’t believe you drank from the homeless guys beer.” Homegirl’s drunk response…”Whatever, sometimes I do crazy things.” (Strike 3). I mean if this crazy thing gets a “whatever,” I don’t want to think about the crazy thing she did that she actually regrets!

I put her in a cab and did my best to give her a hug without touching her. I called my friend and told him the story. He said, “Well, maybe she was just really drunk” - and he tried to get me to give her another chance.

SO HOW WAS LAST NIGHT? Really drunk don’t cure hepatitis.