The Instant Message

OK – Dating websites are officially awful. Some girl IM'd me last night. We never met, we’ve never spoken before. The conversation started off normal, then I told her some funny story. She replied by saying the following things verbatim (a little long but DEFINITELY worth the read):

GIRL: That’s a funny story. If I was feeling competitive I’d top your story though
ME: haha. I dont know -- I'm a pretty good story teller
GIRL: as am i...as am i. plus i bet im a bigger dork its sad
ME: why are you a big dork?
GIRL: the question should be why aren't i. im just one of those people
ME: one of what people? And dont say dorks
GIRL: born a dork...the first 13 years of my life i was popular, talented, smart, little miss perfect
GIRL: ive fallen from grace but im one of those people you meet and you think im all together but i have no shame and im just a goober. im also put together but i have "multiple" personalities
ME: do you talk to your self?
GIRL: i like to think of it in a chameleon way. i have many facets...and some shine stronger when i'm in different situations. i really only curse at myself
GIRL: or at someone on the internet pissing me off
ME: haha -- gotcha. so far I don’t think any of those things make you a dork
GIRL: talking to yourself makes you crazy not a dork lol
GIRL: i just love dorky things, i just act, i just am, i just embody the dorkocity
ME: you said you had multiple personalities
GIRL: nooooooooo its like multiple personalities but not scary. its one personality chopped into sections and depending where i am or who im with those sections are activated
GIRL: btw, i was a classically trained theatre actor if that makes this make more sense
GIRL: sometimes people just go "ahhhhhhhhh yes."
ME: yes, makes perfect sense -- crazy
GIRL: nah im a little crazy but in the very best way. the most down to earth crazy person you'll ever meet
ME: everyone is a little crazy
ME: so… did you grow up in LA?
GIRL: born and raised. what about you?
ME: New York
ME: did you go to college?
GIRL: lol ya
ME: why is that funny? where?
GIRL: i should've graduated from ucla in june, but ive taken off the last year and a half. my mom was sick
ME: gotcha. sorry to hear that
GIRL: and she ran my fathers medical private practice so i took over and then she died and ive done nothing since then
ME: thats horrible. i'm sorry
GIRL: thanks. ya its like having your soul ripped out and squished and then fed to sharks - almost a year
ME: i can't imagine.
ME: are you close with your dad
GIRL: um no. he's an abusive asshole. my parents were old - hes 73, my mom died at 66
ME: oh wow. do you have older siblings?
GIRL: dad has 3 older kids from his first marriage - half
ME: gotcha
GIRL: and since my mom died they've abandoned me. they're jealous that my dad had money when he married my mom and raised me
ME: Thats awful.
GIRL: so even though they're all like 40, they cant get over it. so my father is a douche...eastern european surgeon with a god complex. i stand up to him - not afraid
ME: Wow -- so now what are you doing/where are you living?
GIRL: at 14 we started fighting heavily at home - with the douche. we've come to blows
GIRL: literally
ME: that really sucks
GIRL: but a few months ago it was baaaaaad. i hulked out
ME: what do you mean?
GIRL: well we've been in physical fights...im strong for a girl, and even though hes old he works out everyday so hes strong, but i have better reflexes - and he was rude to one of my best friends and locked me out of the house...so we have this mosaic on our door - i punched a hole right through it and he had chained the door so it could only open half an inch but i was barefoot and so mad i kicked the door down
ME: wow
GIRL: ripped the iron deadbolt out of the door. i know i have to say, jerry springer yes, but it was really kick ass. how many people get to really break down a real door?
ME: well -- i've seen that before, but not to a parent’s house
GIRL: so he starts throwing shit at me and i smash in the windows with a watering can
ME: thats really crazy
GIRL: and he comes at me with a chair. we start throwing punches - wrestling
ME: is any of this a joke?
GIRL: nope...
ME: really?
GIRL: im really open and despite his fuckery im really normal
GIRL: swear to god
ME: yeah -- it sounds like something I'd never think would really happen
GIRL: right?? its like the movies. even some of my best friends think i must be exaggerating you know, until they see it… and well he got me in a head lock and his fist and the chair went in my eye. i couldve won but then blood started shooting out
ME: yeah -- thats pretty horrible. I don't know how a parent could do that
GIRL: ya me neither
GIRL: so i freak out right? i think im blind and theres blood everywhere. i probably have my eye hanging out so i panic, lose the fight and i start screaming for help and hes trying to drag me in the house and i think hes going to kill me, i put up a fight and he drags me by my hair through the glass into the house and finally i break down and tell him to kill me and bury me with my mother.
GIRL: then i hyperventilate and pass out and i wake up and hes doing the "doctor" thing with my eye...the next hour was spent with me pleading with him to let me go to the hospital and leave and i promised i would only tell the cops a man attacked me.

SO HOW WAS LAST NIGHT? I think we’re perfect for each other